Unfaithful
by Richi03
Summary: No longer a oneshot about the marriage of Sean and Emma. Please give it a chance! R&R! Will be a three chapter story containing the pov's of all characters involved
1. Unfaithful

**Disclaimer: **Unfortunately I cannot take the credit for Degrassi OR the song Unfaithful. That great honor is taken by...well...the Degrassi creators lol...and Rihanna.

**Author's Note: **I know not many people really review on one shots, but please please please review. I would LOVE to know what you all think. This idea came to me awhile ago and I finally got it all written out._  
_

_Story of my life  
Searching for the right  
But it keeps avoiding me  
Sorrow in my soul  
Cause it seems that wrong  
Really loves my company  
Hes more than a man  
And this is more than love  
The reason that the sky is blue  
The clouds are rolling in  
Because I'm gone again  
And to him I just can't be true_

"This is wrong," I whisper into the hair of my lover, as he nips at my ear lobe.

"Does it really matter anymore? What's right? What's wrong?" His husky voice says into my ear and I shudder at the truth in his words. We're past backing out, we're past caring, we're past guilt. It's only him and it's only me. There's no other way for it to be. I look down at the wedding ring on my finger and wonder, briefly, what my husband is doing at this moment. My husband, also my lover's best friend. I want to scream out, "THIS ISN'T ME! I'M NOT THIS GIRL!" Only I'm not a girl anymore, I'm a woman. A woman who has made too many bad choices, thought too little of the feelings of others to turn back now. A woman who traded in the light, for the darkness. A woman who gazes at her husband with guilt, knowing she doesn't deserve him. He was everything I ever wanted and more. The first couple years we were so happy, we were glowing with the light that only newly weds could have. I never dreamed that anything would ever come in the way of that. I never dreamed that I would end up back in the arms of the one man I truly despise. I never could have seen this coming, and now it's too late.

"Am I a horrible person, Jay?" I ask, burying my face into his chest. It's not the first time I've asked him this question and I'm sure it won't be the last. There's enough of the "old Emma" left inside of me to still question my morals. At that thought I'm reminded of a time, so many years ago, when Jay told me he liked that I had "virtue...or whatever". I replied that I didn't, not anymore. I couldn't have known how much worse it could be. How could I have become this person? What happened to the Emma who looked on with disdain at people like the one I have become.

"Oh, Emma, why do you do this to yourself? Almost every time we're together, you ask me that. You aren't a horrible person, Em. You can't help how you feel," Jay's words neither soothed, nor comforted me. How I feel? Do I even know how I feel? I love Sean with ever fiber of my being and the question of why I do this to him, continues to go unanswered. I couldn't say why I always run into the arms of my enemy.

"You know, I love you, right Greenpeace?" Jay asked, softly.

"I know, Jay," Knowing that doesn't make it any easier. If anything it only makes it worse, because I'm not only hurting Sean, but I'm also hurting Jay.

_And I know that he knows I'm unfaithful  
And it kills him inside  
To know that I am happy with some other guy  
I can see him dying  
I don't wanna do this anymore  
I don't wanna be the reason why  
Everytime I walk out the door I see him die a little more inside  
I don't wanna hurt him anymore  
I don't wanna take away his life  
I don't wanna be.  
A murderer_

"I have to go," I say as I climb out of the bed, searching for my clothes that are strewn out all over his room. His hand grips my arm and his voice enters my ear. A plea he's never asked of me before. "Stay. You don't have to go back to him," the words cut into my heart. Does he know what he's asking of me?

"You know I can't, Jay. You're asking too much of me," I can hear the biting tone in my voice and I cringe inwardly at my own cruelty. I stomp all over people, without a care in the world. Have I always been this way, but never realizing it until now? Have I always been this selfish and cold?

"I can't stand to think of you with him. Sometimes when I'm hanging out with him all I want to do is punch him in face. I want to tell him that you're mine, that you'll never be completely his again," he says this in a whisper. I can hear the hidden meaning behind his words. He wants me to tell Sean, wants me to leave my husband, wants me to be with him. He wants me to tell him that I AM his. He wants me to tell him what he knows I never can.

"I'm not yours, Jay. I will never be yours. You know I can't leave him, so stop asking me to," I look behind me into this eyes. My chocolate brown asking him from understanding as his icy blue refuse to accept what he already knows. "Don't make this any harder than it has to be," I say softly as I pull on my clothes.

"I'll see you later, Jay," I say as I walk out the door. I think I can hear him quietly say, "Do you know what it's like to always wonder if you'll come back? Do you know what it's like to love you so much? You're my fallen angel."

I always hurt the ones who love me. I'm the venom that seeps into their blood stream and kills them slowly and painfully. I have the power to stop it, but I don't. I can't.

_I feel it in the air  
As I'm doing my hair  
Preparing for another day  
A kiss upon my cheek  
He's here reluctantly  
As if I'm gonna be out late  
I say I won't be long  
Just hanging with the girls  
A lie I didn't have to tell  
Because we both know  
Where I'm about to go  
And we know it very well_

I step out of the shower and wrap a simple white towel around my body. I begin fixing my hair and when that's done, I apply my makeup. All the while thoughts of Sean and Jay battle in my brain. I can't get the last time I saw Jay out of my mind. The quiet pleas that were so unlike him rattled me more than I had let on. I know he's changed since high school, but he really had changed all that much. He still had that careless attitude and kept those walls up so no one could see inside him. His hatred for vulnerability was still there and the infamous smirk still rested on his face at most times. Why had he poured out so much to me that night? He knew what my answer would be and yet, he still tried. I never thought Jay would have that in him.

"You're going out again?" The question was more of a statement as Sean stepped into the bathroom and slid his strong arms around me. I sighed and leaned my head back against his chest. Being in his arms has always felt so...right. It's moments like this that I wonder why I do what I do. I wonder why I continue to hurt him so much. I look in the mirror and can see in his eyes that he knows I'm not simply going out with the girls like I say. A part of me thinks he's known all along.

"Yeah, I won't be out late," I say, trying to convince him or myself, I'm not quite sure. He kisses me softly on the cheek and for a moment I want to tell him that I'll stay home tonight. I want to tell him that we'll order a double cheese pizza and watch movies all night. I want to tell him that I'm going to stop all this nonsense and be with him...only him. Instead I untangle myself from his arms and walk into our bedroom. I pull on a pair of tight jeans and a lowcut black tank top. An outfit I probably wouldn't have been caught dead in only a year ago. It's not exactly "Manny Material", but it's still a far cry from the modest clothes I would usually wear.

"You look fine, babe," Sean says, absently as he sees me picking at my hair in the full length mirror on our closet. Not for the first time, I see the sadness in his eyes. I wonder if he knows it's Jay I turn to? I wonder if he does know it's Jay, how he can stand to hang out with both of us like we so often do. I wonder why he stays with me, knowing that I'm not true to him. I wonder how he can love me that much.

"I'm just meeting up with Manny for a few drinks. She said she'll go crazy if she doesn't get out of the house tonight. Since Craig's always touring and she's stuck home with the kids most days, she doesn't get to go out much," the lies escapes my lips easily, as I try to pinpoint when lying became like second nature to me. It wasn't so long ago that lying to Sean had been something I could barely bring myself to do and now I do it easily and without faltering. He can still tell when I'm lying though.

I glance back at him one more time, before leaving our home, only to see him standing there in the middle of our living room, his hands shoved into the pockets of his old jeans. He's staring at a picture on the wall and I immediately know which one it is. Sean, Jay and myself the day of our wedding. So he really does know.

_Cause I know that he knows I'm unfaithful  
And it kills him inside  
To know that I am happy with some other guy  
I can see him dying  
I don't wanna do this anymore  
I don't wanna be the reason why  
Everytime I walk out the door I see him die a little more inside  
I don't wanna hurt him anymore  
I don't wanna take away his life I don't wanna be.  
A murderer._

"He knows Jay," are the first words I say as I walk into tiny apartment. I, gingerly, sit down on the soft grey sofa, shoving a pizza box out of my way.

"You're just being paranoid, Em," Jay brushes me off as he walks into the kitchen to grab a beer. I look down at my hands and stare at them as if they hold the answers to all my problems.

"I can't do this anymore," I whisper. I can hear the clatter in the kitchen stop instantly at my words. I can hear as Jay takes a deep breath and walks slowly back out into the living room. I keep my eyes on my small hands as he stands in front of me and kneels down so he's at eye level with me.

"What do you mean?" He asks and I can see in his eyes that he's hoping I will dispute my words. He's hoping that I will tell him that I'm only haveing a bad day and everything's going to be okay now. He's hoping that I will tell him I love him and that I will kiss him and lead him into the bedroom that I am all to familiar with. Today, though, I can't. Seeing the look on Sean's face as I left...this has gone too far.

I finally look up from my hands and stare into Jay's eyes. "He doesn't deserve this anymore, Jay. He never deserved this," my words are plea for him to understand. I don't want to hurt him, but I can't keep hurting Sean. I can't keep looking into Sean's gorgeous green eyes and lying to him. I can't keep standing back as I see him dying, slowly, right in front of me because of something I'm doing.

"I'm sorry," and for the first time in what feels like forever, I actually believe that I mean those words. I'm not just saying them to pacify someone. I'm not just saying them to be forgiven for something that I felt no guilt over doing. I truly am sorry because I finally realize that Jay doesn't deserve this anymore than Sean does.

"You deserve someone who can be with you, Jay. I can't give you what you want. You know I can't," I try to convince him that what I'm doing is right.

"You are all I want. Can you just... Do you really love him, Emma?" His voice sounds so ragged, and pained. I can see how hard this is on him, to ask me that question, when he already knows the answer.

"I've always loved him. I just got a little lost," I say as I stand up and give Jay one last kiss on the temple. I look back to see him still kneeling in front of the couch with his head in his hands.

_Our Love, his trust I might as well take a gun and put it to his head  
Get it over with I don't wanna do this  
Anymore (anymore)  
I don't wanna do this anymore I don't wanna be the reason why  
Everytime I walk out the door I see him die a little more inside  
I don't wanna hurt him anymore  
I don't wanna take away his life I don't wanna be.  
A murderer._

I walk into our house and am hit with how quiet it is. The TV isn't blaring and there's no sound of clattering like there usually is. I look down at my watch and see it's only 9:00pm. Never have I known Sean to go to bed this early. I walk into the living room and see Sean slumped over the on the couch. Well, I guess he did fall asleep. I lean over and kiss him softly on the forehead only to be surprised at how cold his skin is.

That's when I see the empty bottle of pills lying beside him and the crumpled piece of notebook paper in his lap. Tears begin to cloud my vision as I frantically try to find a pulse. I'm reduced to sitting here shaking my dead husband over and over. I can hear someone yelling and am shocked to realize it's me. I'm yelling at Sean. I'm asking him how he could do this to me.

I can't live without him, something I've realized too late.

I pick up the simple peice of notebook paper and the words written on it in Sean's unmistakable scrawl break my heart in half.

**I loved her too much.  
**


	2. Mr Brightside

**_Disclaimer: _**_I do not own Degrassi or the song Mr. Brightside. This is simply a fanfiction._

**_Author's Note: _**_I know I said this was going to be a one-shot, but I felt that a few things were unresolved. Such as...how did Sean know about Jay and Emma? What were his true feelings about all of it? Why did he end up taking his life? Next up will be Jay. __  
_

_Mr. Brightside _

_I'm coming out of my fage  
And I've been doing just fine  
Gotta gotta be down  
Because I want it all  
It started out witha kiss  
How did it end up like this?  
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss_

I saw it. The first kiss between them, well I guess it wasn't the first...but it was first while she was with me. He was over to watch the football game and have a few beers. He said he was going into the kitchen for another cold one and asked if I wanted one and I said no. She was in there, making up some snacks for us and I was thinking about how lucky I was to have married her. I finished my beer, not realizing how low it actually was and stood up to go get one, wishing I had told Jay to grab me one while he was in there. I made my way to kitchen and stopped, mid-stride, in the doorway. There was Jay...kissing my wife.

_Now I'm falling asleep  
And she's calling a cab  
While he's having a smoke  
And she's taking a drag  
Now they're going to bed  
And my stomach is sick  
And it's all in my head  
But she's touching his chest  
Now, he takes off her dress  
Now, let me go _

I should have said something. I should have gone in there and beat the shit out of him. Instead I quietly turned around and went back into the living room. I could tell, by the guilty way he wouldn't look me in the eyes when he came back, that it had been the first time. That night Emma was especially loving towards me. We usually never slept together if it was after 11:30, because she claimed she'd be too tired the next day. Around one I started to drift off to sleep...I guess she thought I was already sleeping because that's when she got up from the bed. I could hear her quiet rustling around the room, putting on clothes. I listened to the soft click of our bedroom door closing and her footsteps making their way through our apartment to the back door. I layed there as I heard the start of the car engine and the unmistakable noise of a car pulling out of a driveway. I could feel a tear fall down my face and I tried not to picture her with him. I tried not to think about what I knew my wife was doing.

_And I just can't look - it's killing me  
And taking control  
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea  
Turning through sick lullabies  
Choking on your alibis  
But it's just the price I pay  
Destiny is calling me  
Open up my eager eyes  
'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside _

That all happened over six months ago. She goes to him now, at least, twice a week. I can always tell when she's going to him and when she's really going out with her friends. She wears her "special" perfume when she goes to him. The perfume I bought for her on our second wedding anniversary. I miss the days when she looked at me with such love in her eyes. Now...now I see only guilt there. The girl I fell in love with is gone, replaced by the beautiful stranger that I don't want to know. I still hold on, though, hoping that my Emma will come back to me. Praying that the girl I married will find her way back to me. I cling to that small wisp of hope...it's the only thing keeping me going. I don't know how I do it. I don't know how I act like I don't know. I don't know how I still hang out with Jay, my best friend and my worst enemy. I don't know how I can be in the same room with the both of them. Sometimes I feel as though I can't breath.

_I'm coming out of my cage  
And I've been doing just fine  
Gotta gotta be down  
Because I want it all  
It started out with a kiss  
How did it end up like this?  
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss_

This morning I watched her get ready for work. I watched as she piled her long blonde hair on top of her head and pinned it up. I walked up behind her and wrapped my arms around her, wishing that I could stay that way with her forever. I breathed in the scent of her honey-vanilla shampoo and thought about that time, that seems so long ago now, when she brought me a small bottle of it to get me through the lonely nights in jail. She stuck by me through it all. I was such a stupid kid, I made so many mistakes when it came to her. Maybe that's why I won't let her go, now...she never gave up one me. I'll never give up on her, no matter how much I wish I could sometimes. I wonder, sometimes, about what my life would be like if I had just stayed in Wasaga. Where would I be if I had never come back to her? Would I be happier? Or I wonder about what would have happened if I had stayed with Ellie. Would it be Ellie that I woke up with next to me every morning? Would it have been Ellie that I would clumsily propose to? Would Jay have stolen her too?

_Now I'm falling asleep  
And she's calling a cab  
While he's having a smoke  
And she's taking a drag  
Now they're going to bed  
And my stomach is sick  
And it's all in my head  
But she's touching his chest  
Now, he takes off her dress  
Now, let me go_

I'm not sure when the thoughts first started coming to me. I'm not sure when suicide first started seeming like the best choice in this situation. I just want a realease from this life. We were the perfect couple. High-school sweethearts who found their way back to each other. A love story that would have been worthy of any romance novel. I never thought it would come to this. I love her too much to leave her. I love her too much to walk away. But...it hurts too much to stay. I can't live like this anymore. I can't keep waiting at home at night for her to return. I can't keep smelling him on her and not say anything. I just can't do this anymore. It hurts too much.

_'Cause I can't look - it's killing me  
And taking control  
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea  
Turning through sick lullabies  
Choking on your alibis  
But it's just the price I pay  
Destiny is calling me  
Open up my eager eyes  
'Cause I'm Mr. Brightside__  
_

"I'm just meeting up with Manny for a few drinks. She said she'll go crazy if she doesn't get out of the house otnight. Since Craig's always touring and she's stuck home with the kids most days, she doesn't get out much," I would know it was a lie even without the fact that she won't look me in the eyes. I talked to Manny earlier today, she told me she and the kids were going over to Joey's for dinner tonight. I watched as Emma walked out of the room, her long blonde hair falling free down her back. I want so badly to call her back, to ask her to stay home tonight with me. I want to order a double cheese and watch movies with her all night long. I want to make love with her in the early morning as the sun is rising. I want to be assured that I'm the one she loves. I follow after her, intending on trying to get her to stay, I want only one night...is that too much to ask? A picture on wall has me stopping in my tracks. I stand there and stare at it. I hear Emma pause and I can feel her eyes on me before she lets herself out of our home. I will myself to look away from the picture, but I can't. I look closely at Jay's face, searching for a sign that I should've seen on that day. Mine and Emma's wedding day. Emma looks so beautiful in her white gown, she's leaning into me and my arm is draped over her shoulders. Jay is standing on the other side of Emma and for the first time I see it. His face is pointed at the camera, but his eyes are on her. How can I blame him for loving her? She's an enigma. People are just drawn to her. He was my best friend though, and his betrayel haunts me. I make my way into the kitchen and it's as if I'm not me anymore. I find what I'm looking for and slowly I grab a peice of paper from off the counter and a pencil. I walk into the living room and sit down on the couch. I write only one line on the scrap of paper. _I loved her too much._ I sit back and open the bottle of pills. The glass of water on the coffee table in front of me. One by one I swallow the pills and lay my head down on the back of couch. Closing my eyes I let myself drift to sleep, knowing that I will never wake up again. My last thought before the darkness takes me is that right now she's in his arms. _  
_


	3. The Reason

**Disclaimer:** I do now own Degrassi or the song The Reason.

_I'm not a perfect person  
There's many things I wish I didn't do  
But I continue learning  
I never meant to do those things to you  
And so I have to say before I do  
That I just want you to know_

She didn't love me. I know that, I always knew that. Why she came to me I will never know, but it's something I've wondered about for years now. I've loved her since that day she came to me at the ravine. The innocence she held in her eyes, intrigued me. I had never had a girl run from me before, the way that she did, I didn't realize it was love I was feeling then. Maybe if I had, things would have turned out differently. Instead I used her like any other conquest that I had in those days. I knew she was different, but I didn't do anything about it. Then she hated me for what I did to her. She hated me for everything I represented and I longed for everything that she represented. What was it said that day? Oh right...that she had virtue, or whatever. Then Sean came back and whatever chance I might have had went down the tubes. He was my best friend so I stood on the sidelines and said nothing. That day when I told him about what happened between me and Emma I thought, well here it is. Here's my chance, because he surely won't want her anymore. I was wrong...so wrong. He loved her, too. He really loved her.

_I've found a reason for me  
To change who I used to be  
A reason to start over new  
And the reason is you_

I should have left it alone. I should have just accepted that she was my best friend's girl. I was the best man in their wedding and it killed me to watch as they took their vows. I danced with her at the reception and reveled in her touch. I didn't let her know though. I didn't let it show. I watched my best friend and the girl I loved over the next couple years. I saw how happy they were and I wanted that. I wanted that so bad. I tried everything I could think of to get over her, but nothing ever worked. Then it happened. That day in the kitchen when I kissed her, her husband in the next room it was as if everything felt right again. What an asshole I was. I ruined the lives of the two people I care about most in the world because I was too fucking selfish.

_I'm sorry that I hurt you  
It's something I must live with every day  
And all the pain I put you through  
I wish that I could take it all away  
And be the one who catches all your tears  
That's why I need you to hear_

A lot of people used to comment on how much I had changed back in those days. I remember hanging out with Alex one night and she told me how proud she was of me. She told me that I seemed like a completely new person. She said I wasn't the same Jay I had been back in high school. She said I was nicer, better to hang around than I had been. How wrong she was. I had only gotten worse, but had gotten better at hiding it. I was the worst kind of betrayel, then secret kind. I was so wrapped up in her that I didn't give a shit about anyone else. Looking back now, I realize that I didn't even really care how she felt. I didn't think about the guilt that was slowly eating her away or the fact that it was Sean that she really loved. I remember her asking me all the time if she was a horrible person and I would always reply that she wasn't. I remember her once asking me, more asking herself really, why it was that she did this. I told her it was because it was me she really loved. She just got this look in her eyes and I knew in that moment that the lie I had been telling myself was really just that...a lie. She didn't love me. She never had.

_I've found a reason for me  
To change how I used to be  
A reason to start over new  
And the reason is you_

I tried to talk to her the day before the funeral and then again at the funeral, both times I was met with her cold, lifeless stare. The light in her eyes was gone. The woman that had taken over her body was no long her. I had done this to her. If it wasn't for me she would still be whole and Sean would still be alive. I killed my best friend, the only person, aside from Alex, that I could truly call a friend. And I had killed him, not with my own hands I know. It doesn't really matter though, that he took his own life, it was my fault and I know it. That day she came to me and told me it was over I felt my whole world crashing down around me. I begged her to stay, not to go. Little did I know, only a a couple miles away my best friend lay dying because of the betrayel of myself and his wife. She was the one that found him. I can't imagine the pain she must have been feeling. I can't imagine what she must have been going through. This time I changed for real. This time I changed because I knew the road that I was on only led to destruction. I didn't hear from her for more than a year and when I finally did it was all too late. I changed too late.

_I'm not a perfect person  
I never meant to do those things to you  
And so I have to say before I go  
That I just want you to know  
I've found a reason for me  
To change who I used to be  
A reason to start over new  
And the reason is you_

When I answered the phone that day the last person I expected it to be was her. Even more I didn't expect to be met with only tears.

"Jay?" She whispered through her sobs.

"Emma? Is that you?" I had asked, stupidly. I knew it was her.

"I can't live like this anymore. I see his face every where I turn. I killed him. It was all my fault, Jay. He loved me and I ruined him," her words so soft, so quiet, I had to strain to hear them.

"It wasn't your fault, Emma. It was mine," the words were spoken quietly. It was the first time I had admitted it out loud.

"It doesn't matter now, does it? I just...I wanted to say goodbye," and with that I heard a soft click.

I didn't know what she meant with those words. I thought that maybe she was moving to get away from all the memories. I could feel the tears falling down my face and was reminded of the reason why I was alone. I had ruined everything good in my life. Everything I touch simply turns to dust.

_I've found a reason to show  
A side of me you didn't know  
A reason for all that I do  
And the reason is you_

A few days later I got a phone call from Spinner. He asked me if I'd heard what had happened. I had no idea what he was talking. I wish I was still clueless. I wish I still thought that she had just moved away. Manny had gotten worried about Emma because she wasn't answering her phone for two days and hadn't called her back. Manny went over to Emma's to find her best friend had committed suicide. I heard they found a simple note next to her with these words written on it: _I didn't deserve the pedestal he had me on. I didn't love him enough and he loved me too much. _

The memory of her comes to me in my dreams. She's always crying. I suffer in silence because I know I don't deserve to greive in public. I will never tell anyone of the girl that I loved more than life itself. I will never mention her name again. I went to her funeral and sat in the last pew. The two people I cared about most were dead becuase of me. The next week I moved to the states to start over. If anyone from Degrassi met me on the street now they would not know the person I am. I changed who I am because of a girl with big innocent eyes and soft blonde hair. There are nights I wake up in a cold sweat from nightmares. The memory of Sean and Emma Cameron will haunt me until the day I day. My best friend and his wife, the girl I loved, the mother of my little girl.

She found out she was pregnant about a month after Sean died. I didn't know any of this, of course and she gave birth to a little girl with soft blonde hair and peircing blue eyes. Apparently, Sean couldn't have children so she knew the little girl was mine. She named her Olivia Christine Hogart, known to everyone else...until Emma died as Olivia Christine Cameron. My little girl is three years old now. I will one day tell her stories about her mother, but I will never tell her what happened between Emma, myself and Sean. My little girl need not know about that. Emma and my daughter changed me. They changed me for the better, and although I will forever feel the weight of my actions on my shoulders, I am a better person now.

_I've found a reason to show  
A side of me you didn't know  
A reason for all that I do  
And the reason is you_

_**Author's Note: **I hope you guys liked this as much as I liked writing it. I had a bit of trouble writing out Jay's chapter, but I think it turned out okay. I was trying to get across that he had this immense guilt, but at the same time he had become a better person because of what happened. I thought the little girl would be a bit of a twist lol. Please please please review and let me know what you all think :)_


End file.
